I took this photo four days ago and only now noticed what appears to be an infant’s hand reaching towards the bowl. At no point in this meal was there a child anywhere nearby, and the hand doesn’t show up in any other photos. I asked the server about this and he only made a cryptic remark about how ten years ago, on that very night, a child had died while eating this pasta!
I hope he enjoyed giving me the heebie jeebies, because that cost him his tip.
See, this right here is why fettucine with tomato-based sauces never reached the heights it did with alfredo. It’s too flat. It sticks to itself. The watery sauce slips right off the surface, leaving you with a forkful of dry noodles and a bowl of sauce you have to lap up afterwards, like a dog in a weird racist-against-italians cartoon. Ordering this combination is a crime.
The plastic-y fakeness of both the pasta and sauce here play off each other to create something more unpleasant than either would be alone. The only way this could be worse is with Italian Sausage.
The breading on the topping here really blended in nicely with the meat. Sometimes you’ll get an awkward, congealed layer that comes from the defrosting process, but this one is barely noticable (check the taupe border between the white chicken meat and the brown breading to see what I’m talking about).
I really like the way the spoon in this dish was delicately tucked into the pappardelle noodles, cradling them like a protective father. Y’know, some of these pastas can really restore your faith in humanity.
This is a real joy to eat, and actually may be my favorite combination available now. Everything is light but flavorful, and the chicken is a great addition. An unironic and heartfelt five stars to this pasta.
There’s the initial rush and excitement of ordering your food, the anticipation, and then - it arrives! This photograph is my attempt to capture that moment - where the alfredo sauce seeps into the various crevices of the noodles, and you feel a mixture of bliss and shame.
I don’t suffer from celiac disease, and I’m really glad for that - this pasta is mushy and flat-tasting and has been for the dozen+ times I’ve ordered it. Granted, it’s a better option than no pasta at all, but so is suicide.
I named this pasta after my favorite food-related blogger/writer, who once penned a turn of phrase that really stuck with me when it comes to describing a sauce. He might say that the meatball here is “enveloped in a thick, creamy robe” of five-cheese marinara.
Then again, he might not say that. I don’t know what Mr. López-Alt thinks about Olive Garden’s food. I do know that his book totally changed the way I approach both cooking and food in general, and I highly recommend it if you’re at all interested in the science of the subject.
The artist has captured the rustic simplicity of a humble laborer’s midday meal. Notice his use of tasteful lighting to match the tasteful ingredients.
It's good to be back.
My first week at the Olive Garden went by in a flash! Looking back on it, it's a blur of pappardelle and grilled chicken, both of which I've come to love. The noodles are filling me with energy, and the chicken with the souls of murdered birds. I am using their spiritual power to fuel the growth of my new body which is already filling out nicely, though it may be hard to tell. I'm expecting even more explosive growth in the weeks to come!!!
The downstairs neighbors have already left a note expressing their concern about my Jumping Jack-based exercise regimen. While I do pity their situation, I'm not going to jeopardize my progress by altering my routine right when I'm just getting in the swing of things. Janet and Phil, I hope that this shoutout on the blog balances out the mild annoyance of a few late night 'Jacks!
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEOS AND IMAGES CONTAIN FOOTAGE OF VINO IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
If you do not want to see me in my underwear, do not click these links! Thank you!
Video (in case someone accuses me of photoshopping these)
Front (flexing like a fool)
Front (making a weird face)
Back (as opposed to front)
This time I’m trying ordering it on the side, with sauce on top. Did I succeed? The picture would be even better if I just cropped out the sausage entirely, so probably not. But I’m going to keep trying.