Week Three - Thus Weighed Zarathustra

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I'm now the heaviest I've ever been since college (dark days, my friends)! I hope most of this is muscle. We'll find out over the course of the next four weeks as I begin the "cut" - expect more tomato-based sauces in my food reviews, and even more jumping jacks, with apologies to Janet and Phil.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEOS AND IMAGES CONTAIN FOOTAGE OF VINO IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
If you do not want to see me in my underwear, do not click these links! Thank you!
Video (in case someone accuses me of photoshopping these)
Front (flexing like a fool)
Front (making a weird face)
Back (as opposed to front)

Poster Boy

Poster Boy
Fettuccine swimming in Alfredo, studded with Chicken Fritta
Comments

This is the combination that Olive Garden features prominently on their 2016-edition menu for the Never Ending Pasta Bowl, and also in much of their promotional material. I spent a lot of time taking pictures of what I was served, and I think I did the best I could with what I got. Now all that’s left to do is wait for the talent scouts to come knocking on my door. Psst - it’s vino at all of garden dot com, if you’re wondering.

Poster Man

Poster Man
Fettuccine accentuated with a generous portion of Chicken Fritta, tastefully swimming in Asiago Garlic Alfredo
Comments

Consider this a darker, grittier reboot of Grilled Chicken Alfredo. A little bit more nuanced, a little more adult. May not be suitable for all customers. Only served after 10 pm.

Orange You Glad

Orange You Glad
Five Cheese Marinara lovingly swathed in a cave, boy! A cave of Fettuccine, adorned with Chicken Fritta
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Truly the Italian Sausage of sauces, Five Cheese Marinara is really gross-looking but actually tastes pretty good. It’s a sort of guilty pleasure - which, now that I think of it, is a weird distinction to make when you’re already at the Olive Garden. Who am I trying to impress here?

Comin' At Ya!

Comin' At Ya!
Chicken Fritta thought-provokingly tossed with Five Cheese Marinara, perfectly combined with Fettuccine
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Ever since I figured out how to adjust the f-stop on my camera, my photography has really made the leap from “guy who just bought a nice camera” to “guy who spent 2 minutes skimming the manual for his nice camera”. The depth of field adds, I feel, a sense of action to an otherwise plain bowl of pasta.

Hungry Man

Hungry Man
Fettuccine glazed with Alfredo, woven into Meatballs
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I have disliked the combination of meatballs and alfredo since I first tried it 3 years ago. It has not improved in that time, though not having it on a bed of angelhair does help considerably.

Sporty Sauce

Sporty Sauce
Asiago Garlic Alfredo crossbred with Fettuccine
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Consistently voted “Best Dressed” amongst the Pasta Bowl Sauces - it’s hard to beat the chic accessories of whole cloves of roasted garlic and freshly-grated cheese. Make it last forever - friendship never ends (for a limited time only, starting at $9.99)!

Posh Sauce

Posh Sauce
Fettuccine swimming in Alfredo
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A little classier, a little more decadent than the tomato-based sauces, Posh Sauce is a classic choice that’s here to stay. Luxurious dishes like this remind us that, on occasion, you gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun.

Scary Sauce

Scary Sauce
Meat Sauce wrapped in a bundle of Fettuccine
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Aggressive, intimidating, and chock-full of protein, Scary Sauce is the original bad girl. Stop right now (thank you very much) and order a bowl today!

Ginger Sauce

Ginger Sauce
Marinara placed upon a agglutination of Fettuccine
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A spicy redhead, Ginger Sauce is a real heartbreaker! It’s distinct aroma will come back to you time and again, even years later, like a punch in the stomach as you just try to write your stupid pasta blog. Don’t go wasting my precious time - just order this pasta, and you’ll be just fine!

Baby Sauce

Baby Sauce
Fettuccine kissed with Five Cheese Marinara
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Whether you’re a goddamn child or just have the palate of one, Baby Sauce is a meal that will bring to mind the off-brand Velveeta your mom would microwave over dry elbow macaroni when times were tight. Spice up your life and try it!

Week Two - On The Road To Gains

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Things are going even better than I hoped! I had initially worried it'd be hard to put on weight with only pasta to eat, but somehow I've managed. It's actually going so well, in fact, that I'm only going to "bulk" for one more week - I'll keep on eating like this for one more week, then I'll presumably be as buff as I'll ever get and have to cut down on any fat I've gained.

On a personal level, I'm deeply enjoying this. In my day-to-day life I am a very health-conscious person, constantly counting calories and whatnot. Being able to eat my fill every day is really freeing, and I highly recommend the all-pasta and Jumping Jacks routine to anyone who wants to gain weight while also eating pasta.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEOS AND IMAGES CONTAIN FOOTAGE OF VINO IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
If you do not want to see me in my underwear, do not click these links! Thank you!
Video (in case someone accuses me of photoshopping these)
Front (flexing like a fool)
Front (making a weird face)
Back (as opposed to front)

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