The Pastas

Orange You Glad

Orange You Glad
Chicken Fritta crossbred with Five Cheese Marinara, fused with Fettuccine
Comments

Truly the Italian Sausage of sauces, Five Cheese Marinara is really gross-looking but actually tastes pretty good. It’s a sort of guilty pleasure - which, now that I think of it, is a weird distinction to make when you’re already at the Olive Garden. Who am I trying to impress here?

Comin' At Ya!

Comin' At Ya!
Chicken Fritta skillfully covered in Five Cheese Marinara, dropped on a bottomless bowl of Fettuccine
Comments

Ever since I figured out how to adjust the f-stop on my camera, my photography has really made the leap from “guy who just bought a nice camera” to “guy who spent 2 minutes skimming the manual for his nice camera”. The depth of field adds, I feel, a sense of action to an otherwise plain bowl of pasta.

Hungry Man

Hungry Man
Meatballs delightfully combined with Alfredo, hybridized with Fettuccine
Comments

I have disliked the combination of meatballs and alfredo since I first tried it 3 years ago. It has not improved in that time, though not having it on a bed of angelhair does help considerably.

Sporty Sauce

Sporty Sauce
Asiago Garlic Alfredo uniquely combined with Fettuccine
Comments

Consistently voted “Best Dressed” amongst the Pasta Bowl Sauces - it’s hard to beat the chic accessories of whole cloves of roasted garlic and freshly-grated cheese. Make it last forever - friendship never ends (for a limited time only, starting at $9.99)!

Posh Sauce

Posh Sauce
Fettuccine swimming in Alfredo
Comments

A little classier, a little more decadent than the tomato-based sauces, Posh Sauce is a classic choice that’s here to stay. Luxurious dishes like this remind us that, on occasion, you gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun.

Scary Sauce

Scary Sauce
Meat Sauce nestled within a mound of Fettuccine
Comments

Aggressive, intimidating, and chock-full of protein, Scary Sauce is the original bad girl. Stop right now (thank you very much) and order a bowl today!

Ginger Sauce

Ginger Sauce
Marinara hybridized with Fettuccine
Comments

A spicy redhead, Ginger Sauce is a real heartbreaker! It’s distinct aroma will come back to you time and again, even years later, like a punch in the stomach as you just try to write your stupid pasta blog. Don’t go wasting my precious time - just order this pasta, and you’ll be just fine!

Baby Sauce

Baby Sauce
Five Cheese Marinara merged with Fettuccine
Comments

Whether you’re a goddamn child or just have the palate of one, Baby Sauce is a meal that will bring to mind the off-brand Velveeta your mom would microwave over dry elbow macaroni when times were tight. Spice up your life and try it!

Creepypasta

Creepypasta
Marinara placed upon a blanket of Rigatoni, enriched with vitamin Chicken Fritta
Comments

I took this photo four days ago and only now noticed what appears to be an infant’s hand reaching towards the bowl. At no point in this meal was there a child anywhere nearby, and the hand doesn’t show up in any other photos. I asked the server about this and he only made a cryptic remark about how ten years ago, on that very night, a child had died while eating this pasta!

I hope he enjoyed giving me the heebie jeebies, because that cost him his tip.

I’m Not Angry, Fettucine, I’m Just Disappointed

I’m Not Angry, Fettucine, I’m Just Disappointed
Chicken Fritta placed upon a mound of Fettuccine, blissfully saturated in Meat Sauce
Comments

See, this right here is why fettucine with tomato-based sauces never reached the heights it did with alfredo. It’s too flat. It sticks to itself. The watery sauce slips right off the surface, leaving you with a forkful of dry noodles and a bowl of sauce you have to lap up afterwards, like a dog in a weird racist-against-italians cartoon. Ordering this combination is a crime.

Barbie

Barbie
Chicken Fritta lovingly accompanied by Gluten Free Rotini, covered in Five Cheese Marinara
Comments

The plastic-y fakeness of both the pasta and sauce here play off each other to create something more unpleasant than either would be alone. The only way this could be worse is with Italian Sausage.

Can Hardly Tell It’s Frozen

Can Hardly Tell It’s Frozen
Fettuccine covered in Alfredo, bursting with Chicken Fritta
Comments

The breading on the topping here really blended in nicely with the meat. Sometimes you’ll get an awkward, congealed layer that comes from the defrosting process, but this one is barely noticable (check the taupe border between the white chicken meat and the brown breading to see what I’m talking about).

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