Not What I Ordered
I specifically asked for shrimp fritta on this pasta, not chicken. However, due to the fact that I had not yet reviewed this particular pasta combination, and that I am meek to the point of simpering, I just ate this without complaint. It's still pretty good!
I mean, not as good as what I actually ordered would've been, but I can hardly hold that against the pasta.
Pictured here is Not What I Ordered - sometimes, happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want.
Day Ten - Alanna
Demeanor -- Macaroni-like: whimsical, but also grounded and pragmatic
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "Growing up, my family went here twice a month."
Favorite video games: World of Warcraft, Heroes of the Storm, Hearthstone, Blizzard Soulless Cash-Grab '97, etc
Snapshot:
"I hope you won't think this is weird, but I kind of wish I could hook your brain up to a computer and just watch what happens." [For those of you wondering, I did think this was weird, but in a fun way]
--
Alanna spent almost an hour in traffic just to endure a date that, from her perspective, was largely spent watching me eat. I don't know if she has some sort of moral objection to salad, or just was saving room for pasta, but clearly there is some deep trauma there.
In addition to being a PC gamer, Alanna has a dog named after a 4chan board. The previous statement is one of those sentences that is baffling to 90% of people, indifferent to 9%, and makes the remaining 1% fall instantly and irrevocably in love.
39 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Ganges
Ganges
This pasta is simultaneously sacred and kind of disgusting. What vile human pollution has profaned this holy dish?!
What's really tragic is that this is the future of all meals - unless things change, people. Unless things change.
Pictured here is Ganges; I wouldn't bathe in it, that's for sure.
Day Nine - Christine
Demeanor -- Fusilli-like: extroverted, a combination of both "fun" and "silly"
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "The last time I was here was in high school. 'Cause, Olive Garden is, like, the fanciest place you can think of when you're 18."
Inexplicably chose to double major in: Chemistry/Music
Snapshot:
"So I quit my job and went to travel around Asia for a while, then came back, then took three or four weeks just for myself. Y'know. Jet lag."
--
Christine immediately earned a special place in my heart by being the first of any of my dates to actually finish her first bowl of pasta. Granted, she did this while groaning pitifully and rubbing her distended belly in a way that was somehow both disturbing and sensual, but it's still a fine accomplishment. I admire anyone with that level of commitment to getting their money's worth, even when it's their date's money, and also their date didn't spend any actual money.
40 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Diffuse Natural Light
Diffuse Natural Light
I know that my photographs of Olive Garden's food make it look like I don't know what I'm doing, but rest assured that I'm acutely aware of how bad most of the pictures end up looking. Like all wannabes and idiots, I place the blame for this squarely on factors outside my control: chief among them, the lighting in most Olive Gardens, which is a dull, low yellow. It promotes a relaxing atmosphere, but makes all your pictures look like they were taken with the new Instagram 'Cloudy Urine' filter.
Pictured here is Diffuse Natural Light, which highlights how good even Italian Sausage can look in the right conditions.
Day Eight - Kristal
Demeanor -- Spaghetti-like: traditional, yet capable of surprising even the most jaded audience
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "Haha, I enjoy it. I used to have a friend who'd go with me to Olive Garden, like, twice a month."
Names of flag football teams she has been on -- Responsible Adults, Areolas
Snapshot:
((As the date was ending))
Vino: "Well, thanks for dining with me. I had a great time."
Kristal: "Yeah, this wasn't, like, torture or anything."
Vino: "Wow. Can I use that quote in the blog?"
Kristal: "Haha, sure."
Vino: "How about your answer to this question?"
Kristal: ((cannot legally reproduce response here))
--
It took a while for Kristal to let down her wary, snarky, sarcastic exterior, but once she did, I was treated to a personality that was truly wary, snarky, and sarcastic, but in a fun way. She's very much like a jawbreaker, in that there's lots of layers but they're all basically the same. Also, as a professional recruiter for automotive engineers, she's always looking for new contacts with which to network. If you or someone you know would like to make an exciting career change, give her a call!
I didn't get her number, though, so you're on your own there. Sorry.
41 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
A Really Bad Thing To Order If You're On A Date
A Really Bad Thing To Order If You're On A Date
A Really Bad Thing To Order If You're On A Date is composed entirely out of ingredients that will give you bad breath, general lethargy, and a condition I've come to know as the "Garden Sweats". As the name suggests, I don't recommend it for first, second, or any following dates.
Pictured here is A Really Bad Thing To Order If You're On A Date, and I wish I had taken my own advice!
Day Seven - Sandra
Demeanor -- Pesto-like: pleasantly nutty, slightly cheesy
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "I like it! I put *makes air quotes* air quotes *stops making air quotes here for some reason* around the word Italian, but I like it."
Has a chip on her shoulder about the cancellation of: Mixology
Snapshot:
"So, yeah, we'd inject the mice with the substance and then wait for the microscopic hemorrhages to appear and then euthanize them and dissect their brains for further study." *chomps breadstick casually*
--
Sandra is a counselor-in-training who, I assume, regularly goes through empathy-building rituals not unlike Jedi mind exercises in pursuit of perfecting her craft. If that's true - and I really want it to be, so I didn't ask - that's pretty cool! She's also colorblind, though she assured me this doesn't cause nearly as many apple-related woes as I had always assumed such a malady would.
I mean, just imagine! You could never be sure what you were biting into. Every apple would be Russian roulette. Tart, sweet, tangy, it's anarchy!!!
42 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
Well, there's no sense hiding from it anymore. They brought back Italian Sausage in all its grease-packed glory. With over 50% more calories than the closest topping, 41 grams of fat, and a solid four digits of sodium, it's always been a topping for those looking to give their arteries a project to work on for the next twenty years.
Why they brought it back this year is entirely beyond me. It looks gross, it tastes gross, and it's cartoonishly unhealthy. That said, I have eleven more dishes containing it to eat, so I'll try to limit my complaints about it as best I can this year.
Pictured here is Hello Darkness, My Old Friend - I've come to dine with it again
Day Six - Vanja (Vahn-ya)
Demeanor -- Hollandaise-like: smooth, yet somewhat acerbic
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "I like it."
Kindred spirit?? -- As a troubled youth, ate nothing but McDonald's food for an entire year.
Snapshot:
Vino: "So, how did you get into the librarian business?"
Vanja: "Well, when I was 16, I started working in my local library as a page."
Vino: "And look, now you're a whole book!"
Vanja:
Vino:
Vanja: "Oh. That was a joke."
--
Vanja is a self-described introverted librarian with a cat named Oliver - after the book, not the movie cat named after the book - and a dry sense of humor. One of her favorite pastimes is informing people on the internet that their beliefs are wrong; in this sense, she and I have a lot in common.
43 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Alice Cooper's 'Rooster'
Alice Cooper's 'Rooster'
Most people don't really listen to this song and assume it's some weird statement about Vietnam or something. Actually, it's literally about chicken fritta - the lines about machine gun men are an extended metaphor for the breading process.
Pictured here is Alice Cooper's 'Rooster' - you know he ain't gonna fry!
Day Five - Hilda
Demeanor -- Béchamel-like: Sassy nature makes men roux their existence
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- Completely stone-faced: "I fucking love Olive Garden"
Main problem with women's representation in modern gaming: poor anti-aliasing causes unmeetable standard of jaggy-ness
Snapshot:
"(uninterrupted three minute stream-of-consciousness rant about video game class design, guild mates, coworkers, the italian sausage she ordered, etc)"
--
Hilda works for a major video game company and was very good at answering my questions with nonanswers like "I can't talk about that project", "my company doesn't make Boggle, it is not a video game", and "no, we don't have any plans right now to make an olive garden-themed MMO". That last one particularly stung - she wouldn't even look at my concept art.
44 more dates to go - hopefully I'll learn how to take a selfie in that time.
Today's pasta was
The Colonel's Delight