How Much More Real Italian Can You Get?!
I mean, look at this thing! It's basically an Italian flag on a plate! (DISCLAIMER: I am an American, and thus have never actually seen an Italian flag).
AND It was served to me by a guy with dark hair who didn't speak great English and who probably resented me at least a little! Mama mia, people, if this isn't Italy, I don't want to know what is.
Pictured here is How Much More Real Italian Can You Get?!, and I mean, c'monnnnn!
Day Sixteen - Lauren
Demeanor -- Mozzarella-like: soft, sweet
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "I come here with my parents all the time. They find something they like and stick with it, and I just go along."
Worst first date, other than this one: Ended with her hand forcibly placed upon a trench-coat-wearing man's denim-clad herpetic bulge
Snapshot:
"Yeah, I usually go for nerds, but you're, like, an actual nerd." ((I'm pretty sure this was a compliment))
--
A hair stylist with a heart of gold, Lauren offered me a number of tips on maintaining good bounce, lift, and natural shine that, for all I know, she was secretly reading off the back of a bottle of dog shampoo. Still, I ended up buying like fifty bucks worth of gel that she happened to have brought with her. Look forward to a whole new Vino in the next selfie!
33 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Ariel's Feast
Ariel's Feast
Look at this meal, treasures untold
How many fritta can one pasta hold?
Looking around here you'd think -
Sure, she's got everything
Pictured here is Ariel's Feast, and you're just deluding yourself if you think she, as queen of the sea, didn't ritualistically eat her subjects from time to time.
Day Fifteen - Jessica
Demeanor -- Gorgonzola-like: peppy, peppery
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "I haven't been here in years, though my waiter once gave me an entire to-go box filled with Andes mints. I'd never felt so loved before." *a brief, wistful pause* "Or since."
You're In The Wrong Neighborhood, Son -- Picked all the olives out of her salad
Snapshot:
Jessica: *clearly impressed* "You can really drink a lot of soda."
Vino: "Yeah! I think I have an extra pouch in my stomach for it."
Jessica: "Like a cow."
Vino: "Uh huh. Ruminate on that one!"
Jessica: *chooses not to acknowledge, possibly at a loss for words??*
--
Jessica agreed to meet up with me fairly last-minute as I had been cancelled on by a Tinder rando (imagine!), so for that I owe her my eternal thanks. And to that nameless rando who said "something came up" and then an hour later posted a picture of her rock climbing in a mall, I owe my eternal "c'mon, dude. C'mon".
Anyway! Jessica. She's great! For those of my audience looking for a charmingly witty dining companion who can regale you with stories of life in the big apple and her celebrity status (once appeared on a ten-year-old reality show) that rivals even my own, you can't do much better.
34 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Are You Alfredof The Dark
Are You Alfredof The Dark
There's something mildly spooky, yet also very 90's, about this pasta, though I can't put my finger on it. Is it the way the shriveled sausage looks almost like a decaying mummy hand? Or perhaps the fact that the indigestion it's causing me even as I type this out is coming from inside the house (so to speak)!??!!?
Pictured here is Are You Alfredof The Dark - a pun so great I couldn't wait for Halloween to use it.
Day Fourteen - Lauren
Demeanor -- Orzo-like: Composed entirely of small grains (I realize that these are getting fairly abstract)
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "When my family went here as kids, we had an awesome waiter, he'd always give us free desserts and stuff."
Claim to fame: Bravely corrected Conan O Brien on the unforgivable sin of not knowing Justin Bieber's age
Snapshot:
"Tricolor penne? That seems like a lot. Do you think they can get that down to a bicolor?"
--
Lauren is an independent contractor (not a prostitute (not that there's anything wrong with being a prostitute)) who lives about an hour away from my Olive Garden, so before I say anything else I really want to thank her for enduring the horrible California traffic to spend some time with me. Granted, she did get Olive Garden food, which is a reward in and of itself, but I just wanted to put that out there.
In addition to a love of cats and bats, Lauren has a special place in her heart for all things spooky and/or haunted. I don't know if that's just because it's October or something, but throughout the date I was acutely aware that both of our bodies were filled with skeletons, and it kinda freaked me out!
35 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Tony's Choice
Tony's Choice
Rigatoni (Italian for "Rigid Tony", named after its rheumatic chef creator, 'Rigid' Tony Palazza) pasta is a fine addition to the Neverending Pasta Bowl. It's sturdy, holds sauce well, and can withstand overcooking a little past al dente, as Olive Garden's pasta tends to be. I don't have anything funny to say about this dish - it's just good food.
Pictured here is Tony's Choice - a solid option all around!
Day Thirteen - Marty "The Party"
Demeanor -- Fettucine-like: flowing, free-spirited, approximately 6.5 millimeters wide
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- *mouth full of pasta, no words can escape*
Application for date: 
You can see how I was intrigued.
Snapshot:
The time is 11:25, far beyond closing hours, but the ad said "neverending", and we're putting that to the test. The waitress stops by with another armful of Coke Zeroes for the two of us. She is long past the point of faux servile politeness, and curtly asks, "More?"
Marty and I nod simultaneously, and resume our gorging.
--
I've always said that even though I'm a heterosexual male, it's possible that I just haven't met the right guy yet. So when this mysterious man signed up on my site, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I'm not sure who Marty is or where he came from, but what I am sure of is that his love for pasta rivals even my own. We didn't exchange much in the way of words - in fact, the only thing he actually said was "The Party's here!!!" when he arrived twenty minutes late and immediately started working through the breadsticks.
Even so, I think we communicated through the medium of nonstop eating - and isn't that what Olive Garden is all about?
36 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Vegetarian Option
Vegetarian Option
While it's true that a vegetarian diet is generally less fattening than the alternative, it's easy to forget that alfredo sauces easily double all but the most Italian Sausage of meat toppings in terms of pure calories. Likewise, just because a noodle is colored green or pink doesn't mean it's good for you.
Pictured here is Vegetarian Option - though it may not be healthier, it's definitely got 100% of your daily dose of Vitamin Smug!
Day Twelve - Mary
Demeanor -- Canneloni-like: Compact, yet chock-full of fascinating insights
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- *taking her first bite of food* "I'd forgotten how salty it is."
90's kid fantasy brought to life -- Has spoken to both Nick Carter and Lance Bass
Snapshot:
As we walked and talked in the mall after our date, Mary offered me the most confidence-undermining compliment I've ever received.
"You're very funny. Is that a defense mechanism?"
--
A "PR and Marketing Consultant" working on a Master's in "Mass Communications Research and Theory" and writing a thesis on "Corporate Social Responsibility", Mary's friendly, warm nature overcame the intimidation factor of the aforementioned quoted phrases that, for all I know, she made from whole cloth.
On top of being a fun date, she gave me helpful tips on how to leverage the marketability of my brand, increase my buzz factor, and maximize my web presence utilizing the information superhighway and proper nettiquette. Granted, the only actionable advice she gave me was to email Buzzfeed and beg them to do a story on me, but that's more than I had before!
37 more dates to go - try not to have any dates on the way through the parking lot!
Today's pasta was
Applebee's Nachos
Applebee's Nachos
I don't do a lot of talking about other family-style midrange themed chain restaurants, but the disastrous topping/sauce/base ratios and overall presentation of this dish really screamed "Applebee's Nachos" to me. Much like said nachos, the food is not distributed in a way that is conducive to easy consumption. A good portion of your noodles will be dry and unloved on the edge of the dish, and will require nursing back to edibility with several coats of sauce. If you want pesto, you're going to have to make a special trip out to the Pestosphere™ deep within the center of the plate. Et cetera.
Pictured here is Applebee's Nachos - a registered trademark of Yum! Foods.
Day Eleven - Sara Cate
Demeanor -- Ravioli-like: Costs a little more, but worth it for all the cheese you get
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "This is the Olive Garden we came to, growing up. My dad always wanted to go ironically, but I think he actually enjoyed it."
Loves to hate, hates to love: Minions (of the Despicable Me variety)
Snapshot:
"So, your dad appreciates irony?" I ask incredulously.
"Oh, yeah. He's pretty cool. He even sends me memes. I mean, they're primitive...proto-memes, really. But he gets it."
--
Sara Cate is one of the funniest women I've ever met, and I've met, according to the url of this page, at least ten. In addition to being a budding internet youtube starlet, she enjoys mocking Men's Rights Activists in an effort to "deplete the brozone layer".
Also, she insisted on taking the selfie herself. "I've seen your selfies," she said dismissively, grabbing my phone.
38 more dates to go.
Today's pasta was
Not What I Ordered