It's an open secret that excessive consumption of Olive Garden's food can lead to gastrointestinal distress. To combat any embarrassment this might cause, I highly recommend not having friends.

Pictured here is Wind, and I promise I won't ever stoop to this kind of reference again.

In theory, 5 cheese sauce has to have at least some water in it. Pure cheese cannot be a liquid at room temperature without either a significant water percentage or black magic. Judging by the density of this dish, I'm going to put my money on the Olive Garden having some sort of dark magician/pastamancer on staff.

Pictured here is Water, which seems to ask: water you waiting for?

The two meatballs, complementary halves of the same arena-rock coin, perfectly represent Ann and Nancy Wilson.

Pictured here is Heart - and seriously, Heart? What the hell does that even mean?

Taylor's early work was a little too country for my taste, but when Fearless came out in 2008, I think she really came into her own - both commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. She's been compared to Adele, but I think Taylor has a far more optimistic, charming sense of humour. In 2010, Taylor released this, Speak Now, her most accomplished album. I think her undisputed masterpiece is 'Mean', a song so catchy most people probably don't listen to the lyrics - but they should! Because it's not just about the pleasures of standing up for yourself, and the importance of independence, it's also a personal statement about Taylor herself!

Pictured here is Taylor Swift - Mean. Try getting a reservation at Olive Garden now!!!!!!

A very common complaint about Taylor's work is that it's anti-feminist, or that she props up the status quo of the patriarchy - specifically, the belief that a woman needs a man to be happy or complete. This work in particular is often cited as an example.

"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all that's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess"

The complaint is a valid one, but the song should be examined in context. It's not about a grown woman's healthy, mature relationship with a man. Romeo and Juliet are the quintessential doomed young lovers, and in the original play, Juliet is 13. These lyrics read exactly like the thought process of a thirteen year old: optimistic to the point of naivete. It also features an ending that's storybook-ish to the point of being a non sequitur.

Pictured here is Taylor Swift - Love Story. You were Whole Wheat Lingune, I was a scarlet sauce...

In Picture to Burn, Taylor showcases her mastery of the rollicking, slick sound of a genre that she, if not invented, cemented the framework of: pop-country. Her twang is inexperienced and affected, but this is easy to overlook given the pure Fun of this track. Not since the Dixie Chicks has virtuosic banjo playing entered the Top 40, and even if this song wasn't a perfect monument to the 'Don't Need You Anymore Anyway!' subset of breakup songs, that would be reason enough to keep it on your playlist.

Pictured here is Taylor Swift - Picture to Burn, and I eagerly await the day when I can sing this song to my album of 200 pictures of Italian Sausage-topped dishes.

Almost all of Taylor's songs are about love, but this one isn't romantic - it's the love and appreciation between a mother and daughter. In it, Taylor paints a lifelong portrait of her relationship with her mom, in which she continually supports Taylor through every tribulation in her young life. I don't have anything funny or insightful to say about this song - it's just Taylor doing what she does best: writing a simple, beautiful, and honest song about someone that means a lot to her.

Pictured here is Taylor Swift - The Best Day, and any day with Roasted Mushroom Sauce is the Best Day for me.

Do you remember, as a child, driving through the country and seeing for the first time two cows standing dumbly in the middle of a field of food? I'm comparing this to not only the particular aesthetic that this dish evokes, but to the overall Olive Garden experience .

Pictured here is A Drive Through The Country, and if you think about it, we're all just meatballs.

Have you ever had a meatball so big you thought "I could hide underneath that, and no one would ever find me. Then I'd really be free"? If so, you're probably running from some very deep-seated issues that really can't be solved with pasta. I suggest you seek therapy, and stop trying to find solace at the bottom of a pasta bowl. It won't be there, and besides, Olive Garden's pasta bowl is literally bottomless, so you're wasting your time.

Pictured here is Hide and Seek, but you can never hide from yourself!

The flowers are wilting and soaked, the air is cold, the floor is covered in a spicy three meat sauce. This is what autumn is all about - transition, preparation, and death. Compare eating this pasta to trudging through sloshy leaves: it's an ordeal, but an enjoyable one.

Pictured here is Rainy Autumn Day, and like its namesake, it never lasts long enough!