The Pastas

Sadghetti

Sadghetti
Spaghetti drenched in Roasted Mushroom Alfredo
Comments

Spaghetti is nearly impossible to say without a childlike smile crossing your face, which is what makes the nature of this dish's oppressive depressive so impressive. There's very few sauces that don't work with this noodle, but this one found a way to do it. And with no toppings to distract you, you can really focus on how much it doesn't work.

Pictured here is Sadghetti, the most morose morsel.

Mario's Malaise

Mario's Malaise
Alfredo gingerly joined with Angel Hair, balanced with Italian Sausage
Comments

Named for its discoverer, Jonathan Malaise, this dish proves that great tastes can, indeed, taste bad together.

Pictured here is Mario's Malaise, not that it stopped me from eating it.

Curse of Carbs

Curse of Carbs
Cavatappi drizzled with Roasted Mushroom Alfredo, hybridized with Italian Sausage
Comments

"May you live in Bavettine times" -Italian Curse

Pictured here is the Curse of Carbs - you may feel a slight 'bewitching' sensation.

Linguennui

Linguennui
Meat Sauce studded with Shrimp Fritta, excellently sheltered within a pile of Whole Wheat Linguine
Comments

I dunno, sometimes linguine just...doesn't...I mean...

eh...

Pictured here is Linguennui - it's not bad or anything, but why bother?

Cannonball

Cannonball
Angel Hair heaped with Meatballs, swimming in Five Cheese Marinara
Comments

This pasta is, in a word, dense. Thin strands of angelhair weave themselves into a thick mesh, inexorably trapping the pure cheese goo of the Five Cheese Marinara sauce, along with the heavy meatballs. Though tasty, this dish will definitely impregnate you with a food-baby, and I will warn you up front that it will likely be a preemie.

Pictured here is Cannonball, in all its stick-to-your-ribs goodness.

Pier on an Orange Lake

Pier on an Orange Lake
Chicken Fritta drizzled with Five Cheese Marinara, pleasantly swathed in a blanket of Spaghetti
Comments

Sometimes coming up with titles for dishes is more fun than eating them. Perhaps it's not a coincidence that this is happening more and more as I get farther into the challenge.

Pictured here is Pier on an Orange Lake, the very picture of modern Romanticism.

"Healthy" Choice

"Healthy" Choice
Marinara tossed on a deep well of Whole Wheat Linguine, studded with Meatballs
Comments

For those of you who measure the "healthy-ness" of a dish by buzzwords associated with it - organic, gluten-free, whole wheat, low-fat, etc - this dish is about the best you can do at Olive Garden. Marinara is the closest to a vegetable you can get in the Neverending Pasta Bowl, as it's little more than tomatoes and salt, and the linguine is probably good for you, somehow.

Pictured here is "Healthy" Choice - feel good about overeating!

Rime of the Ancient Marinara

Rime of the Ancient Marinara
Shrimp Fritta accentuated with a generous portion of Angel Hair, drowning in Marinara
Comments

It is an ancient Marinara,
And shrimp toppeth, two or three
"By thy thin strands and flakes o' basil
Now wherefore eaten thou by me?"

Pictured here is Rime of the Ancient Marinara, and it genuinely depresses me that I came up with what will be the height of my entire pun-writing career this early.

Noah

Noah
Whole Wheat Linguine fused with Italian Sausage, drenched in Five Cheese Marinara
Comments

"The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time."
-The Bible, after God discovers this dish.

Pictured here is Noah, and doesn't it make you want to just wipe out the human race?

Atrahasis

Atrahasis
Spicy Three Meat Sauce accompanied by Cavatappi, embedded with Chicken Fritta
Comments

"When the sixth year arrived
They served up a daughter for a meal,
Served up a son for food. "

-The Akkadian epic, Atrahasis, describing a country where a famine is so great that for five years there was no food but this dish.

Pictured here is Atrahasis, and you'd eat your own children too if this was the only alternative.

Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh
Marinara delightfully placed upon a deep dish of Penne
Comments

"Instead of your bringing on the Flood,
would that a lion had appeared to diminish the people!
Instead of your bringing on the Flood,
would that a wolf had appeared to diminish the people!
Instead of your bringing on the Flood,
would that famine had occurred to slay the land!
Instead of your bringing on the Flood,
would that (Pestilent) Erra had appeared to ravage the land!"
-A scene from the epic of Gilgamesh, in which the world's most overdramatic customer returns his extremely over-sauced pasta.

Pictured here is Gilgamesh - and personally, I'd rather a wolf diminish my people than ever eat another bite.

Nûh

Nûh
Fettuccine impeccably smeared with Alfredo
Comments

"O my Lord! surely I have called my people by night and by day! But my call has only made them flee the more, and whenever I have called them that Thou mayest forgive them, they put their fingers in their ears, cover themselves with their garments, and persist and are puffed up with pride. "
-The Quran's version of Noah, unsuccessfully attempting to get people to stop putting extra cheese on top of alfredo sauce.

Pictured here is Nûḥ, pronounced just like it's spelled.

Pasta Combination Selector