The Pastas

Splash Damage

Splash Damage
Italian Sausage delightfully swathed in a deep well of Penne, excellently coated in Five Cheese Marinara
Comments

So named for its tendency to stain one's clothing with the splashing of five cheese marinara, this dish is not to be trifled with, and can really ruin your day if you get stuck with it in tight corners.

Pictured here is Splash Damage, and doesn't it just seem to be unfun to eat?

Noscope

Noscope
Roasted Mushroom Alfredo sheltered within a blanket of Whole Wheat Linguine, blended with Shrimp Fritta
Comments

The unique thing about this particular combination of ingredients is that, unlike most other Olive Garden entrees, your breath will actually be fresher than it was before you ate it! Thus, you will not need any post-dinner mouthwash; hence the name.

Pictured here is Noscope - pure breath-freshening skill.

Rocket Jump

Rocket Jump
Penne coated in Spicy Three Meat Sauce, enhanced with a veritable bevy of Chicken Fritta
Comments

There is so much food packed into this tiny bowl that the ingredients seem to be "jumping" out of it! Even in this still photograph, you can feel a sense of urgency, of movement, as the chicken frita leave behind a trail of spicy three meat sauce, or as the servers refer to it, "rocket fuel".

Pictured here is Rocket Jump, and don't let anyone tell you that this is not the way the Olive Garden intended you to eat.

Bunny Hop

Bunny Hop
Italian Sausage gingerly put upon a lump of Penne, drenched in Marinara
Comments

Named for the way that this dish would like to immediately hop out of your stomach, much like a bunny, because of how gross Italian Sauage is.

Pictured here is Bunny Hop - when will the madness end?!

Penne Arcade

Penne Arcade
Alfredo put upon a deep dish of Penne, adorned with Shrimp Fritta
Comments

This is probably the only time I've had the lunch to-go portion actually look tasty after 20 minutes bathing in its own steam in the cracked pleather passenger seat of my 1993 Chevy Lumina. I always feel really bad when an OG dish looks bad because of my irresponsibility, but I try to realistically portray the dish as an average customer would receive it, not just the glossy, flat photographs of menus and magazines.

Pictured here is Penne Arcade, looking as good as it tastes!

Fed-uccine

Fed-uccine
Fettuccine blended with Meat Sauce, blissfully sprinkled with Chicken Fritta
Comments

Fettuccine is not a pasta well-suited to tomato based sauces. They slide right off of the flat surface, leaving you with little more than a moist, bland noodle with a vaguely tomato-like aftertaste. Perhaps an ingenious pasta patron could invent some sort of fettuccine texturing device to allow the noodle to more effectively trap sauce, but until society is ready for this sort of change (personally, I doubt we ever will be) you would be well advised to choose a different combination.

Pictured here is Fed-uccine, the world's most frictionless pasta!

Cava-Topping

Cava-Topping
Spicy Three Meat Sauce impressively enriched with vitamin Shrimp Fritta, thought-provokingly fused with Cavatappi
Comments

As a "Premium Sauce", Spicy Three Meat is definitely lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. What, precisely, is the customer paying the extra dollar for? In Roasted Mushroom sauce, the answer is explicit. It's right in the title. You pay a dollar for roasted mushrooms. Why, however, is the spicy three meat sauce premium? Is it the spice? The extra single meat when compared with the free meat sauce (itself being comprised of two meats)? The pricing structure of the sauces is baffling. Marinara is free. Add two meats to it make Meat Sauce, also free. Add one more meat - whoa! Hold on there, sparky! That'll be one dollar for your bacchanalia of unadulterated protein!

Pictured here is Cava-Topping, and despite my whining, it's worth every cent.

Penne Loafer

Penne Loafer
Italian Sausage impeccably tossed on a deep dish of Penne, replete with Roasted Mushroom Alfredo
Comments

I struggle on a deep and personal level with Italian Sausage. It is literally impossible to photograph attractively. It looks absolutely bizarre on a plate of pasta. I have no idea what Olive Garden was thinking when they made this fatty, sodium-engorged phallus a standard topping. Why isn't it sliced up? Why isn't it ground up? Why isn't it incorporated into the food somehow? Why, oh, god, WHY is it just plopped on top of every meal I order it with like a disgusting joke?!

Pictured here is Penne Loafer, and I felt myself get genuinely mad when I saw they had put two on top of it.

Hall & Oates

Hall & Oates
Spaghetti garnished lavishly with Chicken Fritta, drizzled with Roasted Mushroom Alfredo
Comments

Just as Daryl Hall's rich tenor is perfectly accompanied by John Oates' smooth backing vocals on a solid foundation of rock-soul grooves, this dish is tightly balanced between two stars, either of whom would be a laughingstock if they ever did attempt to Go Solo. And with Chicken Fritta topping only an additional $3.49, you don't have to be a Rich Girl to appreciate this one!

Pictured here is Hall & Oates, Making My Dreams Come True.

Simon & Garfunkel

Simon & Garfunkel
Chicken Fritta gingerly joined with Angel Hair, combined with Roasted Mushroom Alfredo
Comments

The replacement of spaghetti with angelhair makes Simon & Garfunkel appear to be a lighter, folksier Hall & Oates - to the untrained eye. But much like their eponymous artists, careful study of Simon & Garfunkel will reveal a certain density and complexity unmatched by Hall & Oates. While both are enjoyable in their own way, this dish rewards the observant consumer with a richness that simply can't be found elsewhere.

Pictured here is Simon & Garfunkel. Slow down - you eat too fast!

David & Goliath

David & Goliath
Roasted Mushroom Alfredo seamlessly sheltered within a heap of Penne, enhanced with a veritable bevy of Meatballs
Comments

Whereas our previous two dishes today are defined by an equal balance between two forces, David & Goliath, as you may have guessed, is a story of an underdog's triumph despite an insurmountable foe. The subtle taste of roasted mushroom should really be no match for the almost grotesque sphere of meat mercilessly crushing the penne below it. Yet somehow, delicacy conquers brutality, beauty conquers vulgarity, and love, as always, conquers all.

Pictured here is David & Goliath. Look at the size of that meatball - you could easily sling a giant to death with it!

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