What if instead of fertilizing our crops with chemically engineered phosphorus, we used pasta? And if the runoff from that fertilizer got into the water supply, instead of algae blooms creating a deadly neurotoxin, they created a delicious cheese sauce?! That's basically the premise of this dish.
Pictured here is Orange Tide - surf's up!
Anyone who went to a public elementary school remembers that the spaghetti served there is remarkably similar to Olive Garden's, in the inconsistency of the cooking and the "wetness" of the pasta itself. This dish immediately brings me back to 4th grade, swappin' Pokemon cards and being scared of girls.
Pictured here is School Lunch, and I just realized I haven't changed a bit since 4th grade.
I live in Fargo, North Dakota, and here, we have a certain mindset about restaurants: food shouldn't cost more than a quality hammer, or other piece of sensible hardware. This limit varies from person to person, but generally hovers around eighteen dollars. If you're paying more than that for your entree, you're being hoodwinked by some city-slicker who pays too much attention to putting a sauce in a zig-zag pattern on a white plate, and not enough attention to down-home small-town values.
Pictured here is Eighteen Dollar Entree - bread crumbs? Mushrooms? What is this, Seattle?!
What is art? Free expression of thought, of emotion, of passion? Or the product of a skilled and dedicated hand, a talent worked to a razor's edge through years of careful study and practice? Both? Can anything be art? Can nothing be art?
Today on All of Garden, we're going to look at these broad questions through the lens of pasta. Please get out your notepads and napkins.
Lunch was Art Nouveau.
Dinner was composed of three plates of pasta:
Thanks for stopping by! I hope you found today an enlightening change of pace.
A special thanks to my dining companion, Michael!
Defined by the untamed spirit of the natural world, Art Nouveau frees itself from the hard edges and sharply-defined points of previous schools. Note the sinuous lines and whiplash curves of the cavatappi.
Pictured here is Art Nouveau - see how the meat sauce flows naturally over the pasta?
Literally "unformed art", Art Informel is what typically comes to mind when people who "don't know art, but know what [they] like" imagine abstract art. This is art that is clearly made by fingerpainting, and has an entire sentence as the title. The pure decadence and unrestrained hedonism of this cream-and-cheese based dish reflects well the school of unrepentant self-indulgence.
Pictured here is Art Informel - come on, my five year old could eat that.
Ah, the modern age! A new century (the 20th, that is) and the promises it brings. Factories, assembly lines, mass production! A country obsessed with efficient and streamlined workforce tends toward efficient and streamlined art. Expect to see functional, utilitarian straight lines, and embellishments that are intricate without being flowery - like the rigid penne seen here.
Pictured here is Art Deco - it's like something out of Bioshock!
Also called "outsider art", Art Brut is created by those not typically considered artists, such as the mentally ill. These artists create works with unusual materials, limited skill, and incomplete control of their faculties. That said, never has a work of Art Brut been discovered that nears the bizarre incomprehensibility of this dish.
Pictured here is Art Brut, which an adult human being with a three-digit IQ prepared, assembled, and served to me, apparently with no qualms whatsoever.
Lunch was Splash Damage.
Dinner was composed of three plates of pasta:
A special thanks to my dining companion, who was noted to be affecting a limp, perhaps to escape suspicion of the hardboiled detective hired by the manager to discover who had stolen the Olive Garden's famed jewels!
So named for its tendency to stain one's clothing with the splashing of five cheese marinara, this dish is not to be trifled with, and can really ruin your day if you get stuck with it in tight corners.
Pictured here is Splash Damage, and doesn't it just seem to be unfun to eat?
The unique thing about this particular combination of ingredients is that, unlike most other Olive Garden entrees, your breath will actually be fresher than it was before you ate it! Thus, you will not need any post-dinner mouthwash; hence the name.
Pictured here is Noscope - pure breath-freshening skill.
There is so much food packed into this tiny bowl that the ingredients seem to be "jumping" out of it! Even in this still photograph, you can feel a sense of urgency, of movement, as the chicken frita leave behind a trail of spicy three meat sauce, or as the servers refer to it, "rocket fuel".
Pictured here is Rocket Jump, and don't let anyone tell you that this is not the way the Olive Garden intended you to eat.