The Pastas

Shudder

Shudder
Grilled Chicken covered in Meat Sauce, gingerly incorporated with Pappardelle
Comments

We appreciate your response to our letter,
You seem like quite a go-getter
Use our marks if you must
Your reviews now seem just
And we're glad our Alfredo is better

Doug

Doug
Pappardelle replete with Alfredo, tastefully incorporated with Grilled Chicken
Comments

Oh Vino, don't know what came over me
I wrote with such haste I just couldn't see
That to eat at our joint
Is kind of the point
Of your whole blog and your joie de vivre

Anonymous

Anonymous
Five Cheese Marinara united at last with Pappardelle, gingerly heaped with Italian Sausage
Comments

Please accept Branden’s retraction
For you’ve committed no real infraction,
Our legal teams cross
‘Cause they’re lost in the sauce,
This was all just an over-reaction

grizzlyaddams

grizzlyaddams
Pappardelle sauced with Five Cheese Marinara, pleasantly embedded with Chicken Fritta
Comments

That e-mail seems fairly obtuse
It doesn't consider fair use
When I eat Olive Garden
My arteries harden
I'd rather eat plain boiled goose

Samkass Wise

Samkass Wise
Asiago Garlic Alfredo crossbred with Grilled Chicken, merged with Gluten Free Rotini
Comments

The family of Forcements agrees
With your assessment of sauces and cheese
But the law is like Kafka
Not infinite pasta
And trademarks are all Branden sees

So take care with our company name
It’s use is not purely fair game
But if you are not blatant
And attach disclaimer statements
We lawyers shall not make a claim

Dean Alterman

Dean Alterman
Marinara nestled within a agglutination of Fettuccine, covered in Grilled Chicken
Comments

We’re sorry we got hot and sweaty,
Your blog throws us praise like confetti.
Your use of our name
Will add to our fame
So continue to laud our spaghetti.

c600g

c600g
Grilled Chicken glazed with Meat Sauce, tossed on a fistful of Cavatappi
Comments

Pasta with mystery sauce
A lawyer who thinks he's a boss
Mix them together
You'll get meatballs on leather
And a case that the judge has to toss

Michael Crider

Michael Crider
Five Cheese Marinara enhanced with a veritable bevy of Grilled Chicken, blissfully wrapped in a bottomless bowl of Cavatappi
Comments

Our lawyers regret their swift action
to accuse you of IP infraction.
We retract our complaint -
‘twas a lack of restraint!
- and we’ll beat them with some satisfaction.

Turnabout

Turnabout
Cavatappi crossbred with Asiago Garlic Alfredo, embedded with Grilled Chicken
Comments

My mind has actually come around completely on the garlic alfredo sauce since its original launch in 2015. Perhaps the recipe has changed, or maybe my palate has been deadened by years of conspicuous consumption, but the flavor is actually fairly mild and the grated cheese adds a bit of depth to the traditionally bland alfredo.

Al Dente-l Plan (1)

Al Dente-l Plan (1)
Grilled Chicken excellently incorporated with Angel Hair, intriguingly sauced with Marinara
Comments

Olive Garden’s pasta is cooked exactly to specification, without fail. When you’re a chain restaurant that serves millions of people, you can’t leave such things to chance, or the capricious whims of a chef. So when people complain about the food being over- or under-cooked, I usually look upon them with suspicion. Things at the OG aren’t freeform enough to allow for misjudgments in cook times. Nine times out of ten, the complaining party’s issue is simply a matter of personal preference not being met.

Al Dente-l Plan (2)

Al Dente-l Plan (2)
Angel Hair saturated in Five Cheese Marinara, lovingly studded with Grilled Chicken
Comments

That said, I think most pasta connoisseurs would agree that Olive Garden’s food is cooked beyond the point of al dente (italian for “to the tooth”, meaning firm when bitten). My assumption is that this level of cooking was found to be the most palatable to the target demographic of the restaurant. A sort of ‘lowest common denominator of pasta’. Which, incidentally, was originally the subtitle for this blog.

An Unrelated Anecdote

An Unrelated Anecdote
Asiago Garlic Alfredo gently hidden in a handful of Angel Hair, sprinkled with Grilled Chicken
Comments

One of my many part-time jobs in college was an assistant veterinary surgeon. Our facility was almost entirely run by volunteers, and we provided services at-cost and often free to needy families. We did good work, but the staff had more enthusiasm and love than they did training. I have more than a few stories of minor surgical mishaps, and the occasional dropped dog testicle. We’d eventually find them in some corner or another, their thin, shriveled membranes flaked with bits of dust.
Anyway, here’s some food. Eat up!

Pasta Combination Selector