As of six thirty-five in the PMs
I've wrapped up my talks with the chieftains
They were misconstrued;
I'm not getting sued
And I needn't write out any ™s
Yes! An official who represents Darden
Has granted me a total pardon
We've reached resolution
I received absolution
For daring to print "olive garden"
My sole issue with Legal's retort
Was the prose of their written report
The demand was specific:
a reply via lim'rick
Well. At least I'm not going to court.
As you may have seen on the Internet's number one non-pasta-related site, Reddit, I'm currently in the midst of what I can only assume is a huge misunderstanding with Darden about my use of their trademarks. I will keep all my fans updated here with the happenings in real-time.
For future reference, here is the full text of the email.
After discussion with many internet people who could possibly be lawyers I have emailed this reply. I am awaiting their response.
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
date: Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 10:01 AM
To Whom It May Concern:
As you are likely aware, Darden is a full-service restaurant company, and owns and operates over 1,500 restaurants through subsidiaries under the Olive Garden®, LongHorn Steakhouse®, The Capital Grille®, Yard House®, Seasons 52®, Bahama Breeze®, and Eddie V's Prime Seafood® brands and has a portfolio of over 650 trademarks in over 70 countries related to the same (collectively "Trademarks”.)
In connection with Darden Corporation’s proprietary rights over its famous trademark(s) we are notifying you of the following:
Darden Corporation has recently learned that the trademark Olive Garden appears as a metatag, keyword, visible or hidden text on the web site(s) located at the below listed URL(s) without having obtained prior written authorization from Darden Corporation. This practice infringes upon the exclusive intellectual property rights of Darden Corporation.
As a trademark owner, Darden Corporation is obligated to enforce its rights by taking action to ensure that others do not use its trademarks without permission. Unauthorized use of the trademark(s) could create a likelihood of confusion with Darden Corporation’s trademark as to the source, sponsorship, affiliation, or endorsement of your web site(s), online location(s), products or services.
In light of the above, we request that you respond to this e-mail within ten (10) days, informing us that you have removed all metatags, keywords, visible or hidden texts including trademark(s) presently appearing on the above-cited website(s) and any other website(s), or draw this issue to the attention of the appropriate person(s).
Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in this matter.
to: [email protected]
date: Wed, Jul 19, 2017 at 8:47 AM
Mr. Forcements -- may I call you Branden? Since this an asynchronous mode of communication, I'm going to assume you are magnanimously acquiescing, and I will refer to you as Branden forthwith -- I received your email yesterday.
I am not aware of any law against reviewing food and describing it using the name of the company from which it was procured. Some might even call it Nominative Fair Use. I have helpfully included a link to Wikipedia™, The Free Encyclopedia™, for more information on this concept, in case you are new. Just click on the blue words to access the HyperLink™, and you will be transported there in great haste.
With that in mind, can you be more specific about what you would like me to do? If you want me to remove references to the Olive Garden from my blog, which, I remind you, solely consists of references to Olive Garden, I'm afraid I must decline.
If you are asking me to simply add TradeMark® Symbols™ I must also decline, as I do not know the alt keycode for writing them.
Perhaps you are asking me to take down my blog entirely. In doing so, Darden Corporation would commit its largest crime against humanity since they started charging extra for toppings. Seriously, $2.99 for two lousy meatballs? And you're saying I ripped you off?
Please respond within nine (9) days, in limerick form.
Wishing the whole Forcements family a pleasant day,
Vincent "Vino" Malone
Olive Garden Connoisseur
Age 29 and a Half
The pasta pass is back for 2016! As a little appetizer to this year's blog, let's have some fun. In honor of my favorite seven weeks, here's a look back at my seven favorite - and least favorite - pastas from the past two years.
Really looking forward to 2016's Never Ending Pasta Bowl! Watch this space. :)
If you're new to the world of All of Garden, please click here.
Thank you all for reading through my blog! It was a labor of love, and while I looked forward to each date and each bowl of pasta, I am very glad to be done. If you're wondering what I'm eating these days, it's mostly homemade food, supplemented with regular trips to my local Del Taco. I have not yet gotten a craving for pasta.
A very special thanks to all 50 of my dates, as well as two dates that didn't make it onto the blog proper due to poor photography on my part. Isai and Zoo, I hope that the free food was compensation enough for your time. I enjoyed my meal with each of you.
This will be my final post for 2015. If the Neverending Pasta Bowl returns next year, I may as well. Not sure what sort of blog it'll be then. I'm thinking something travel-related; going to new cities and exploring the regional cuisine was a fun part of this year's outing.
Until then - stay hungry, my friends.
(one last bad selfie for the road)
The question I am asked second-most (after the first) is if I'm getting my "money's worth out of that pass, haha!!"
Yes and no.
I received the Pasta Pass Family edition, which covered my meal and the meal of up to three additional guests. Dinners were always a one-on-one affair, but for lunches I'd usually treat three (sometimes fewer) friends or coworkers. On average, I'd estimate the number of Neverending Pasta Bowls procured per day at around five.
Average Olive Garden Meal:
Pre-Tax Total: $16.19
Grand Total: $17.49
*Coca Cola products are $2.99, and are comped by the pass. Almost everyone got one, but not everybody
**Ravioli is an additional $2.99. Most people didn't get it - I'm averaging
That $9.99 NEPB you saw advertised added up quick, eh?
So! With 49 days and roughly 5 of these meals comped per day, the total amount of money saved was $4,285.05. The Pasta Pass Family edition retailed this year for $300, so I definitely did get my money's worth! But that's not the whole story...
While I did get an enormous amount of free food, the pass doesn't cover everything. Sometimes, my date would order something that wasn't a Never Ending Pasta Bowl (I know, I know, that should've been a red flag). Dipping sauces, desserts, alcoholic beverages, flavored teas, other entrees - none of these are covered by the pass. Being a gentleman, I'd usually pay for them out of pocket with only the slightest of passive-aggressive remarks. I'd estimate these incidentals cost me around $75 over the course of the seven weeks.
Far more significant were the tips. I tipped $5, per person, per meal. I occasionally paid for the tips of my lunchtime friends/coworkers, and always paid for my dates. Here are some numbers!
$75 of assorted incidentals
49 lunches at $7.50 tip each (average based off tipping for myself and occasionally friends) : $367.50
53 dinners at $10 tip each : $530
It's true what they say: there ain't no free lunch!
For those of you who like facts and figures, here are some rough calculations I did about my pasta adventure this year. I'll be splitting this over a few days, because it's a lot of info, and I need to be gently weaned off my blogging habit lest I go cold turkey and get "blogger's shakes".
Today, I'll present some stats about my nutrition! What happens when a (physically) normal 27-year-old eats nothing but Olive Garden food for 49 days in a row?
One of the most frequent things people asked me on my dates was how much weight I gained. The answer is: some, but probably not as much as you'd think. Let's do the numbers!
Weight on October 5, 2015: 56.0 kg (~123 pounds)
Weight on November 23, 2015: 57.2 kg (~126 pounds)
Gaining three pounds over two months isn't exactly something to strive for, but if you're on a reverse-Atkins diet, I think you're doing alright.
The Never Ending Pasta Bowl Diet
Over the 49 days, I ate 102 meals at Olive Garden - 49 lunches, and 53 dinners. Occasionally I'd double-book an evening to work with my dates' schedules, or just because I was particularly hungry. The numbers following are all averages, and not exact.
My lunches were with coworkers, friends, acquaintances, etc, and were not blogged about. Consequently, I typically ate the same thing every time:
|Three salads with croutons, no dressing||300|
|Four Coke Zeroes||0|
|Entree: Penee, Marinara, Chicken Meatball||820|
|Four Coke Zeroes||0|
|Three salads with croutons, no dressing||300|
|Entree: Random pasta, Random Sauce, Random Topping||1160|
Dinners are trickier to calculate, because each entree was different. The only significant change from a calorie perspective was removal of one breadstick (-140 calories) and the replacement of the Marinara sauce with alfredo-based sauces (2/3 of the time) and Chicken Pomodoro (1/3 of the time). This simple change averages out to be an increase of about 340 calories a day (!) and I suspect is the cause of my weight gain.
Total Calories Consumed
So, using those numbers, we'll do some quick math.
49 lunches at 1,400 calories each: 68,600 lunch calories
53 dinners at 1,600 calories each: 84,800 dinner calories
no snacks, desserts, breakfasts, or non-OG food of any sort
153,400 calories (~3,130 per day)
That might seem like a lot, since the nutrition guidelines on the back of most food advise you to stick to around 2000 calories a day. It seems like much less when you realize this would actually be a restrictive diet for most of us Americans.
I want to stress this point: I never exercised solely for the purpose of exercising. I find exercise extremely boring and avoid it whenever possible, as is evident by my puny girl arms. However, I have a fairly active job and I biked to and from the Olive Garden regularly, so it balanced out, mostly.
Let's wrap this up. Why didn't I get gross and super fat like that asshole from Super Size Me?
Calories In, Calories Out
"Health" as a general category is really complicated! I definitely don't fully understand it, and don't claim to. But weight gain and loss is simple physics - matter/energy can't be created or destroyed. Fat doesn't magically appear on your body, and if you do work (in a physics sense, that is; exerting force on other objects) the energy that you expend likewise must come from somewhere.
Simply put, if you burn more calories than you consume, you will lose weight. The reverse is, of course, also true. It really is that simple: the laws of physics do not allow any other way. It doesn't matter if you eat big macs, neverending pasta bowls, boiled broccoli and lean chicken, or cabbage soup. Calories in and calories out is the only thing that matters in the context of simple weight change.
Thanks for reading this long as heck post! Tomorrow I'll write about the financial side of the Pasta Pass.
Demeanor -- Chardonnay-like: extremely white; an acquired taste, but rewarding
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "It's strange that you'd ask me that, given that we are best friends and have been for thirteen years (and counting). Anyway, it's pretty good."
Response to my threat to quote the ridiculous things she said in her blog entry -- "Don't count my quotes before they're hatched. From my brain."
On our walk to the OG, we passed a peaceful creek where some ducks were happily nibbling on the fresh algae. I reflected on the beauty and tranquility of nature even here, in the midst of the world's brightest and noisiest city. As I was about to share these feelings, Miranda, completely unprovoked, screamed gibberish at the ducks and they flew away.
She looked at me smugly. "Yeh. I scared those birds what good."
True to her bizarrely-phrased response to my contractually obligated question, Miranda is, indeed, my best friend of thirteen years (and counting). She flew all the way from Austin, Texas, our hometown, to be the final date for my blog! She's funny and complicated and is responsible for my being the man I am today more than any single person I could name, save for my immediate family. Thanks for dining with me, bro - I love you very much.
0 more dates to go. I'm...I'm free...
Today's pasta was
Demeanor -- Champagne-like: sparkling
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "This is my first time here. Actually," she adds, fruitlessly attempting to wrap the linguine around her fork, "this is my first time eating any long pasta at all. Harder than it looks."
Lifetime average of bachelor's degree accrual -- 1.0 every four years
"Yes, I am a sexist. I would never have a female doctor."
I'm taken aback, but also impressed that she can say something so controversial with such candor. "Why?"
She shrugs. "Women are too emotional."
I am sure that I'm not the first person in Sarah's life to describe her as a renaissance woman. While it's easy to be wowed by her education or penchant for riding a motorcycle in four-inch heels, to leave a picture of her at that is selling her criminally short. Smart, ambitious, witty, and fiercely honest, she was a fascinating conversationalist no matter the topic. Whether we discussed the biological basis of the different ethnicities in aliens, private World of Warcraft servers we've hosted, laboratory work dress code, or children's fiction, Sarah never missed a beat and was simultaneously very polite to our waitress, which I always take as a sign of good breeding.
1 more date to go.
Today's pasta was
Two Legs Bad, Four Legs Delicious
The final city on the final days of my blog! Las Vegas is a lot more family-friendly than I expected it to be. The casinos all have kids running around in them, and the homeless population was generally amiable and did not threaten to stab me. The AirBnB I stayed at featured two amazingly cute dogs who sat like this without being posed, and a cat who liked to watch movies with me.
Luna and I engrossed in a Michael Douglas thriller
I spent hours wandering around through the downtown nightlife, then lost $10 on my lucky number at roulette and quit gambling forever. Mouse over this pic for the action shot!
The Olive Garden is large, clean, and well-staffed by friendly employees. One of them said "I can tell he already knows about our menu!" to my date, which either meant she knew about the blog or was calling me fat. She was otherwise super nice so I'm gonna go with the former!
The highest-rated Olive Garden in Las Vegas, according to Google!
Demeanor -- Sauvignon Blanc-like: zesty, herbal
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- ((gazing upon her unfinished plate of pasta)) "I...I'm not sure what happened here. I'm sorry."
Most bizarre final project for school -- highly sexually-charged advertisement for Chipotle, which unfortunately has been taken down from the internet. I assume this was due to some sort of dual copyright claim/violation of youtube's anti-pornography policies
((seeing the basket of breadsticks)) "Are these for me?!"
Cristina found my blog through a post I made nearly a month ago on Reddit that was immediately downvoted into invisibility by the hardcore faction of anti-Olive Garden extremists who push a clear and consistent pro-Macaroni Grill agenda. It's blatant censorship like this that disrupts truly free speech and will eventually lead the community to Voat! One day! Soon! Right, guys??
Man, Cristina, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. What a horrible opening paragraph. Let's start over. When she's not on Reddit, which I swear I will never mention again on this blog, she tutors kids on subjects of all sorts and plays the bass guitar! She has a great sense of humor, and I appreciate her commitment to a chain restaurant - not just on an intellectual level.
2 more dates to go.
Kathleen is a manager at the Santa Ana Westfield Mainplace mall Olive Garden, where I spent almost every weekday night for the past seven weeks. Since tonight was my last night at this OG, she sent me off in style with a brand-new pasta t-shirt (in awesomely creative packaging). She's a great person and every employee I asked had nothing but positive things to say about her! Thanks for putting up with me eating all your pasta, Kathleen!!
Today's pasta was
Ravi Ollie Kickflip 360
Demeanor -- Merlot-like: velvety, intense
Feelings about the Olive Garden -- "You're putting me on the spot!! Just kidding. I knew you were going to ask that. I tried to think of, like, a funny quip, but I've got nothing. I really like it."
Banter skills on three hours of sleep -- Surprisingly on-point
"Yeah, I read your entire blog. I'm not afraid to say that. If someone thinks that's stalker-ish or whatever, they're not the type of person who I'd want to be with, anyway."
When I found out that Audrey was a professional photographer, I was really excited that she could maybe teach me how to use my camera. She was able to tell what an aperture was, how long to expose things, and what the optimal shutter speed for a slow-moving plate of pasta would be. Unfortunately, neither of us could figure out how to change any of those settings on the camera itself, so it all ended up being a purely academic exercise.
Audrey also has a genuine interest in people, which is always pleasant to find. And it's hard not to like someone who appreciates Taylor Swift, even though she's not quite on my level of fandom. But then, who is?!
3 more dates to go.
Normally I wouldn't allow this sort of tomfoolery, but I was moved by her explanation: "I really feel more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it, y'know?"
Deep, man. Also, she said that I could post this one for the official record, so no harm done.
Today's pasta was